The retreat really started at this point for all of us. All 8 of us, including the late arrivals, were in this together and all had feelings about this turn of events. At first, I was scared and a little panicked, running through possibilities in my mind about how to handle this. Fortunately, I was able to see this for what it was- an opportunity to demonstrate in the moment how couples can deal with changes, mistakes, and disruptions which happen all the time in everyday family life.

On top of this, I created another problem myself while we were waiting for late arrivals. Laurel, my co-facilitator and life partner (actually fiance), pointed out to me that I inadvertently shared with the group something personal and shameful about one of the attendees. Oops! A mistake already. I felt my feelings and sensations in my body and after my panic subsided, I was able to gather my wits and treat this just like I would a problem and a mistake in an office therapy session. Repair the damage done. After all, the purpose of the retreat was to help couples use stressful, difficult situations and turn them into opportunities for hearing and caring about each others feelings. This process would make their connection stronger rather than drive them apart as most conflict and stress normally does for families.

To repair my mistake and help the group adjust to the late arrival, my conversation went something like this:

Me: “Sarah (not real name), back there when we were talking about how you and your husband interact, I revealed to everyone something about you that I would imagine was uncomfortable and personal. I feel bad, sad, and a little disappointed in myself that I did that because that hurt you….what’s it like for you to hear that?”

Sarah: “Oh, that’s okay, I know you didn’t mean it.”

Me: ” No, it is not okay, and I think you are ignoring your feelings and my feelings as a way to protect yourself….This is a great opportunity for us to see what this retreat is about. I made a mistake and now I am using my feelings about this mistake to reveal to the group the feelings that both of us have about it and as a result you and I will be more open and connected and have a little more trust and connection between us….What do you make of that?”

Sarah: “I don’t know this is new to me but I do feel more relaxed and less anxious than I did before”.

Me: “Wonderful, thanks for participating in that with me and the more you do that this weekend, the more you will be able to use mistakes and changes, and communicate your feelings with your husband and be connected to him…which is why we are all here….And this is a good time to point out that we all have feelings about the other couple being late. No one is bad or wrong here and when they arrive we will create an environment for us all to share our feelings about their tardiness just like we just did with my feelings and Sarah’s feelings….I found this scarey and exciting. What about you? Anyone want to share their feelings about their tardiness?